Battling the Dark

As I lay dying, sprawled on the ground, wailing in pain, dripping in sweat, and unable to move – questioning life decisions.  Much was a blur, and mixture of stars drifting into a black hole fixated in my internal mind’s eye.  It was not just a combination of confusion of clarity, but also that of relief and accomplishment.  The true embodiment of pain and ecstasy; 2 minutes and 37 seconds was all it took to succeed at such an achievement.  I just PR’d Fran.  I moved quickly with determination and ferocity.  I made this commitment as soon as I heard this was the workout on the previous Friday.  So, on this Monday morning, February 1^st to be exact, I went to the pit of despair for thorough examination of my personal devotion to fitness.

Crossfitters know this feeling, 90 reps, 95 lbs. thrusters and pull-ups, broken up into a 21-15-9 alternating movement patter, and a feeling of dread when they ever see it on the board for the workout of the day.  When it is posted, you have to make a choice: do you go all out and test your mettle, or just decide to get it done, and not live with the physical repercussions for the next 48 hours.  It truly becomes a battle with the self.  It is a mental hurdle that you have climb.  There becomes a point during the 15 thrusters when the blood rushing to your head feels as though you cannot calm your mind to even take a breath and decision to push yourself to a state of blackout comes into question.  Ancestors come back to inspire you and past lives cheer each repetition.  I actually felt like Harry Potter meeting his dead family members and friends before he faced Lord Voldemort. 

The decision had to be made to push beyond any preconceived notion of personal ability and previous experience when exercising at such a high intensity.  Again, a contrast to what has been placed in our minds: the notion of fear.  It actually just becomes a choice of extreme change within an extreme challenge.  When you choose to battle a point of no return, the integrity of the self comes into play.  It is that individual wrestling match that makes one think of how they view themselves when they ask, did they do their best.  It is that dark place that wants to consume you and pull you in, but you have the ability to move past it and succeed in the end.  When you actually face it and put yourself in the heart of darkness can you then understand that all that pessimistic theory is manufactured in the construct of a false reality in the mind.

It is that moment when you must step off of the cliff and you are aware that you will be held up by your faith and belief.  Those are what carry you through as you walk through that valley of death.  That feeling in your heart when you stay in the moment, just that space in time, and grasp on to the hope and gratitude that you get to experience and feel the elation of the accomplishment on the other side.  It is then, when you have the knowledge and transcendence of that joy – before the outcome – that you are truly happy because the assumption that the end is worth the suffering becomes a reality.  That reality that you have created that was there for you all along.  One of the hardest observations for us in our 3-D world is to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, but that is the only space when change happens.  The altering of the dichotomy of what is and what can be as you resonate and attract all that you desire into your world. 

A true sentiment is that you do not have to do this alone if you choose.  There are always people there for support, but you have to ask and not assume those will step in during those moment of dark despair, whether it is suffering for 2:37 or a life-altering situation.  In my brief moment of trepidation with the dark, I have multiple people supporting me and cheering me on.  And although I realize, the place I went to was that of my own choice and volition, it serves as a principle that in contrast we must be whole and complete within ourselves, there is a moment for all of us to extend a hand for support and guidance.  Let go and trust in your inner guidance and within the universe that you are on the path of least resistance, and these events of inconsistency and uneasiness are just contrast that allow you to find alignment and peace within yourself.  There has to be a risk; without the risk to experience pure exultation and ecstasy there is zero reward – because the invigoration of success has already been felt and achieved through your inner being. 

There is an eternal battel between the light and the dark, and many times, you must walk through the dark to get to the light – and your journey intermixed within that contrast will only make you stronger.  You can go to those places that you felt were unwanted or undesired to go.  The ability to adventure towards the unknown is what makes our spiritual journey rewarding and satisfying.  We call into our lives all we need to experience to conquer a dissolution or misstep that has continually held us back or must be revealed in order to elevate our existence further than past previous conceived notions.  Facing the challenge is the step towards enlightenment.  You can achieve more and bring that into your consciousness as you tackle past myths or legends that crept into your schema.  The boundaries that have been dictated to you are a bull shit rule that will not stand the test of time.  Walls were made to be broken as you push past the realms of consciousness towards ascension and transcendence.  I was nervous about this journey all weekend; even though I set an attainable goal and belief that I would do it, and better than that, I went past it because I was not afraid; there was no fear because I stepped into the light and embodied the joyful reward of success.  Although, it was a small moment, it was a microcosm of a conditioned reality in that we have to face the dark to achieve all we can be.  I stepped into that light, but as now, I still won’t get on a roller coaster