One Year Removed

There are many times when you cannot see the forest through the trees.  Sitting down in the metaphorical dense thick woodland that blocked my clarity, so much so that I was unable to see the clearing that lay just beyond the outstretched arms, the future that I was about to engage in felt a great distance away.  The convoluted path that had been laid before me felt broken and unstable and I was waiting for a smooth surface to walk across as the crossroads of my life had felt visible, but was unable to navigate past without any difficulty.  I placed myself in this hidden dense jungle of who I thought I was and how I valued and judged myself.  And then all at once, an opening through the branches came into my view and I was able to find my way out into the clearing. 

It was the start of the pandemic as the Morongo Unified School District had decided to shut down on March 13, 2020, and the stoppage of work was about to propel me towards a life-altering scenario that would guide me on a new path, away from a place that I called home since 2004.  As the world began to slowly close down and our physical existence was about to shrink, the metaphysical reality that I created opened my eyes to a new attentive certainty.  I had begun to look for new jobs outside of the Morongo Basin for the past month, and when the world stopped, I was uncertain of the next step, but one week later my purpose was clearly explained.  I received a call from Mojave High School in Las Vegas about an opening for an English position.  The interview would take place the following Monday, March 23^rd, my ex-wife’s birthday.  Needless to say, a sign was beginning to take shape.  As the world almost reverted itself from the rite of spring when things bloom and come back to life, the dark shroud that had blanketed the Northern Hemisphere during this season of rebirth peeled back and allowed me to walk into the green pasture.

There had truly been no equity in this time of transition and legal paperwork in order for the state of California to recognize that my ex-spouse and I were officially no more, even though the connectivity that we had shared for the past 16 years had been broken for some time.  As cordial as I was attempting to make this business transaction, there was much amiss, much that would continue to be uncovered over the next 12 months, but at this point, I/ we were patiently awaiting a delivery from the postman.  The initial endeavor to glance at opportunities outside of the area was two-fold; to examine the ability to explore a new adventure and to anticipate what I felt was the true end of an era. Much had been said and conveyed to me as to my “actions” in the previous tenure of marriage, and I owned up to all that I had done, but then a multitude of stories and accusations had also arisen, to the point where it was not sides being drawn, but character assassination. 

I fully admit at agree that I attempted to hang on to my past for far too long, as it was the only thing I had known since 2004, and that this notion to venture out on my own was the only sign that I had given to myself that I had to take back my power.  It was different than moving on and not facing a challenge, but to establish my identity as an individual as opposed to a former in a town that I called home but was truly becoming foreign to me.  This was becoming more and more evident as the pandemic was closing down upon us and my view on it was oppositional to many whom were around me, in that my attitude was that of a global condition of fear mongering in contrast to a pandemic.  I acknowledge the validity of the virus and its effects, but as time marches on, it should be agreed upon that many actions taken were drastic and asinine.

Ironically, when you stop to think about it now, the actions taken towards me and my incident very much mirror that of the pandemic.  Shut it down, make outlandish statements that defend a false dichotomy, create a narrative that supports that purpose, barricade one behind a wall of self-fulfillment, and negotiate the position of power through deceit and manipulation.  My battle with the virus became far more personal because it mutated to the point that my only immunity was to protect myself from what can only be explained as an attack.  I chose to not wear a mask in the beginning, because I was not afraid to show who I really was, and even though the other person wore theirs, the face they had shown was not veiled in any way at all. And they knew I would see it, because they hid themselves from me until the last moments prior to my exodus.  I saw through it, the devastating factor is that it took me over 18 months for it to occur; but I digress.

The interview and the job offer did happen on March 23^rd, and needless to say, one week later, I accepted the position and my new life was to begin.  Las Vegas, fucking Las Vegas.  I was a Southern California, San Fernando Valley boy whom uprooted his life for the love of his life to move the high desert about Palm Springs, to then meander across the Mojave Preserve to another desert that was initially created as hub for mobsters to make and steal millions.  Las Vegas is now my home.  The transition was rough, especially during the shut-down, as there was not much open or to do, but it was more accessible than California, and it still is.  The longer I am here, the less I miss the basin, and that actually reveals a lot to me.  It was a huge part of my life for 16 years, and once the cord was cut, each day a piece drifted away; the connection was lost.

As I look back, the clarity that I see only reinforced that the interview and job offer had to come on that day.  It was necessary to kick me in the metaphorical rear end to jump at the opportunity to establish myself again.  To embrace who I am and to not compromise anything that I felt disregarded me as a person.  That is true love, self-love; because you cannot let anyone else love you until you lover yourself.  One year removed, but one year given back.