Travels with Remo - Part 3

 July 28, 2020

The day of the surgery.  It has been two days.  I have survived the weekend.  I have taken Remo on numerous walks.  I mean numerous walks because I need to excuse myself from the stale energy that emits from the dwelling my mother calls home.  I need to escape the vast center of negativity and close-mindedness.  It sounds like I am picking on my mom, I am not, but there are two very different perspectives playing out right here.  Two very different views of life and the existence of life as we know it.  To hear someone who just complains about much of what is happening and how people are living their lives as the pandemic is slowly ending (maybe), damages my inner being and attacks my emotional awareness.  I realize at that time that I need to adjust to the contrast that is thrown at me and find my happy, but this visit and subsequent caretaking after will really test my ability to not be triggered by the actions of my mother.

It is amazing of how much my mother and I are still alike, but have distanced ourselves in many other respects.  Our intersections have crossed on surface connections only.  We still talk about movies, baseball, traveling and art, but that really is it.  I ask questions about our past, about dad, and her answers are short and to the point.  She mentions how she wrote about it (she has photo albums and created digital diaries – of her family, and me) but that is it.  It is hard to pry things out of her, and has always been a chore to get into deeper levels of conversation.  And here is where the divide comes.  I have worked on getting deeper in my connections and relationships.  I work on this daily and develop this skill as I grow.  This has become the great divide.  I have manifested this place of wellness within myself to look at the bigger picture of purpose.  I saw this shift in our reality as a place to grow and value what is important.  My mother saw it as a frustration to her daily routine.  The amount of times I hear “no” from my mom to be corrected in a point of view is beyond measure.  But I digress.  The day is moving quickly and the first thing that I have to be aware of is that my mom still had to do her morning walk, but was upset that she can’t have any water, nor can she have her morning coffee, but she still had to exercise.  My mom can’t take a day off – I used to be the same way, and I see the dangers of that point of view.  It is hard because she tries to relate to me about “needing” to exercise for the day to be a success.  I see it as my time, and I enjoy to do it, but if it is not in the cards, I don’t obsess over it any more.  But this morning, I was able to quickly walk Remo and get in a Crossfit session at LAX Crossfit.  It worked out, and I was grateful for it to happen.

The more pressing issue of today was that we had to drop off Remo to a doggy day care.  He has never been to a day care, but we were going to Ceders Sinai in Century City, and I wanted him to be occupied instead of hanging in my mother’s home for the whole day.  Remo is so sweet, but can be aggressive with other dogs at times.  He just likes to play rough, so I am putting out positive energy that he will be a good boy and I will not have to run back from the hospital to pick him up for some odd reason.  You have to understand that he is my traveling companion, and when we go places, he feels he should be with me at all times, so this drop off will shake him for a bit.  Ever since the shutdown, he went with me on many adventures as often as I could.  Especially since we moved to Vegas.  I would just load him in the car and drive around so he would not feel alone in this new place.  We pull up to the doggy day care place, and the boy is hesitant to leave the car, but he trusts me and slowly walks with me with his head drooping towards the floor.  He isn’t shaking, which is a good thing.  He usually trembles a bit when I drop him at the groomers, so that seems like a good thing.  Without any hesitation, Remo is taken to the back and is off on his own adventure for the day. 

Now the fun really begins.  It’s a Monday morning around 8 am, and I have forgotten the love of LA traffic.  It isn’t too bad as we are able to move onto the 405 to the 10 and exit La Cienega Blvd.  So many cars, so many people I feel are not in their bodies, and are stuck in the comfort of what their lives have become.  LA still has a slight lock-down feel as opposed to Vegas.  Some restaurants are take-out only.  Some still have a mask requirement.  I see people living their best lives but sense it is more of an imposition, not and adjustment.  The resistance to what has transpired makes the transition difficult as opposed to an opportunity.  In the midst of dodging buses and pedestrians, traffic has a different feel in LA.  I am able to find the appropriate parking structure and have to follow the appropriate signs to find the acceptable handicapped parking location so we can exit and head into the facility.  After my mother gets checked in and registered, she heads back to the surgical rooms for her procedure.  It is now 9 am, and I must navigate Century City for the foreseeable future.  It is not clear on how long this will take, but I am prepared to be on my own for at least 5 hours. 

I love LA.  I do.  I was raised in the San Fernando Valley and traveled back and forth, to and fro around all aspects and areas of Los Angeles.  I have not visited all corners of its vast expansion, but have seen much of what Randy Newman sang about and the visual choices of famed directors Quentin Tarantino and Michael Mann.  I do feel that one has to walk a city to garner its energy and charm.  Many media outlets give certain locals, specifically LA and its infamous quadrants, a disturbing connotation with the overuse and frightening headlines and reports of violence and destruction, but when reading between the headlines, it can be seen that much is exaggerated.  It is not too warm on this late June morning.  Cool enough to wander to find a spot for breakfast and to just witness the amount of people carry on with their lives easily without knowing who I am.  Life is what happens while one sits around and waits.  I believe in divine timing, but I also have to act and place myself in the proper position for what I create to occur.  I pass an organic and raw food bar.  Quite unique.  I head towards an organic bakery and pastry shop and grab a bite to eat.  I had not eaten breakfast yet, and as the clock ticked towards 10 am, I was quite famished.  I attempted to eat at the hospital, but the café was not opened yet, so this was a blessing in disguise.  It has a wonderful energy at this time.  Morning deliveries, breakfast meetings, and joggers flood the outside dining area – I mentioned that many places still don’t allow eating inside.

It had been a while when I had been able to sit outside, listen to a podcast and have a meal without a feeling of anticipation of what was next.  There was not a next at this time.  There was just this time.  A time when I had my quiet.  I was on a new adventure, and despite our differences, I was there to help my mom, because she is my mom.  She had been there for my physical needs as a child, so I can do the same for her.  I was still away, in a new space on some sort of journey, if not physical but a spiritual one that was another opportunity to transform.  Each moment is an opportunity.  There are no bad days or experiences.  All are chances for growth and discovery.  I sat and thought of how my ex-girlfriend was also doing what was best for her and enjoying her time with her friend.  And that was ok, all will be ok as the interaction and time we had taught me many things.  Most importantly, I am a unicorn, I am different, but I am also worthy of love and I am whole and complete.